Cruelty Of Grief

Tightrope…

Quicksand…

Descriptions that vividly depicts the road of grief

The ground one walks on feels unstable, wobbly while trying to gain composure

Any memory, smell, letter, location can easily make one fall back into the abyss of darkness

You feel like you are sinking as the sea of grief engulfs you with a range of emotions too overwhelming for the mind to comprehend

Competitive emotions of truth and illusion armed at the battle line of your consciousness, as the body internal demands attempts to hold on to the past only to leave one feeling hopeless as reality sits in and you realize this fantasy can’t last

Now slapped by reality that grief has no favors

In the blink of an eye, they are gone and you are no longer the same

Clouded by pain that follows you wherever you go

Scrambling to find some sense of normalcy but unable

Wondering, will life always be like this?

Air so thick you’re gasping to breathe in a world that has offended you with its insensitive ways of going on as if it doesn’t recognize one of the most important human beings is now gone

Will you find some type of peace?

I could be cliché and say Jesus left you peace…. and He did

But to be frank, sometime that’s not enough in the world of the brokenhearted

The pain remains…

Your view of life is skewed by a pain so deep there are no words to explain

You’re screaming to get out of this nightmare

And the last thing you want to hear are people’s opinions

But each storm has a meaning

Every tear has a name

And our heavenly Father has bottle them up and taken account of all our pain (Psalms 56:8)

So, hold on my dear sister or brother

Be patient with your process

There is beauty for your ashes (Isaiah 61:3)

Yesterday’s Pain

The day that was planned early in the morning changed so quickly,

Instead of it being a day of preparation it was a day of confrontation as flashback harassed me with memories triggered by locations,

Had to work on a school project with my daughter which entailed us going around the city to take pictures of known landmarks in Dayton, Ohio,

The simplest location brought about unwanted memories of when my husband began to get sick,

The rawness of feelings I thought was gone, surfaced so quickly, I had to keep emotional steady and stay clear of falling back into the pit of darkness that stood with an open invitation for me to sit and dine in,

Flashbacks inched its way to my consciousness creating an emotional awareness of what was going on within me,

Feelings of guilt, shame, and helplessness tormented me as I thought of my response to my husband’s drastic change that I was nowhere near prepared to handle,

As I reverted back to those days, I could see the uncertainty in my kid’s eyes, as they looked to me in making sense of a situation that made no sense,

How I could I possibly explain?

Yesterday took me back to a place I don’t want to own,

Made me hurt for my kid’s,

For their journey, I desperately wanted to replace,

Their norm of two parent home now gone,

Vulnerable and beyond afraid,

I never felt so helpless and alone,

Those moments so surreal,

I was standing outside of myself watching a nightmare sped out of control that I couldn’t contain,

Anger rested in my heart as I tried to be part of the process taking place,

Responded in ways I’m not so proud of but utterly ashamed that I beat myself with condemnation and guilt in order to pay for the deed I thought I deserved,

As if I’m the Christ, the Propitiator of my sins

Forgetting His promise in His Word, like His grace was sufficient for me, that there was no condemnation toward me who is in Christ Jesus, my sins are remembered no more,

So, what does that mean?

Yesterday is what makes me/us who I/we are today,

The memories of my/our storms are a strengthening tool to who God is preparing us to be,

If you lost someone you deeply love, you may be in a dark place or at times having difficult moments,

Grief is a representation of our love for those now gone…  

Welcome back!

The seasons have changed since I’ve last blogged. Winter to Spring, Spring to Summer, Summer to Fall. During these inevitable cycles of nature, the Parker’s world has also run its course of seasonal changes in life- college, junior high school, puberty, friendships & relationships. All cycling without one person- my husband/their dad, Bryant W. Parker. We’ve celebrated the completion of high school graduation, the first year of college on Dean’s List, acknowledgments of character awards, MVP award for soccer, crafts creation, master chefs & basketball games. It’s been 4 years since my husband has gone on to be with our Lord, and there isn’t one day when we don’t feel the effects of his absence. Sometimes, it still feels as though it happened yesterday. During this time of quietness, I was place in what I called ‘hibernation,’ allowed me a chance to begin my healing process. The vision of my hibernation is so clear in that I can see My Heavenly Father mending my wounds, speaking softly as He prepares me for the next phase of my life. The next phase… What is the next phase of my life? I’m gaining a new appreciation for my new norm. I’m finding things out about myself that I never thought I’d do but I’m pretty decent at.  Things like putting together furniture, driving and finding my way around in new cities, vacationing alone with my kiddos, learning more about the stock market, use a lawnmower, resiliency, resourcefulness, outgoing, driven, creative. I’m being redefined after coming out of the fire. I think grief does that to you. Your view of life changes. You’re no longer the same and people who haven’t walked the road of grief don’t understand it. Sometimes, we don’t understand the change! I am so happy there’s one Person who does, Our Lord. He is intimately acquainted with us and understand our hurts and pains. Together let try to remind each other of that. Let’s hold on and let God continued to heal us in our broken state. The outcome has to be good!

Hold on

Do sometimes, you look into the sky and wonder what goes on the in the heavenly places? I see birds soaring through the sky and patterns of clouds dressed there in, but I wonder as I look deeper, is my mom looking at me? Is my husband? Is there a section in Heaven cheering us on as we run this race without them? Sometimes, I feel like a part of me have been amputated. I know longer walk or run the same due to my losses. I fight to get the old me back but she was buried with them in the casket. So I look to the Father who sympathizes with my weaknesses as He does yours. A better creation is coming due to our storms. I don’t know who I am speaking to, all of our stories and journeys are different, but I want you to know God is close to the broken-hearted (Psalms 34:18). You can draw near to the THRONE OF GRACE with CONFIDENCE so that you may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need (Hebrew 4:14-16). God has written a love story to you in His Word. To help in times like this. Hold on.  

Hiding…

Was she always broken and never knew…

Covered up with a great husband, good kids and a decent life…

But after her pillar was removed, she lost her balance…

Now she walks with a limp…

Vulnerable to her outside world…

She hides behind her tears…

Masquerading the truth…

But if you look deep into her eyes…

You will be introduced to the brokenness of her soul…

Silently she screams…

But no one hears…

Anxiety strangles her with the demands of single parenting…

Use to being a team but now solo…

‘Can I do it?’

‘Was that right?’

‘Who can I trust?’

Question launched at her from every direction…

A hand gently touch her…

A voice soothes her fears…

“Do not fear, for I am with you,” says the Lord…

Healing Moments

A true reflection of God’s love for us is seen in His promises. Despite the pain this life brings, God’s love is enough to cover the ocean of wounds inflicted by life’s blow. In John 17:17, Jesus prayer for the believer is for us to be sanctified in truth. “Sanctify them in the truth; Thy word is truth.” God’s word and promises are true. For those who are grieving through loss of some kind, hurting, disappointed, afraid, worrying, bathe in the truths of God’s word. God’s grace is sufficient for you and His power will be accomplished and seen during the darkest moments of your life. He will send you into hibernation to strengthen you for the next chapter. Praying you be ok with that. Don’t fight it like me. “For I am confident of this very thing, He who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus (Philippians 1:6). #HealingmomentswithSaundra #Neededthis

Grateful

Is it better if I wouldn’t have ever married you?
Remained a single mom to just the one…
Save me of the pain and emptiness that has invaded my soul…
Prevent me from ever knowing what a man of integrity looks like…
Or have a man who treasures  his wife…
A man who put her first and love her as Christ loved the church…
I wouldn’t have ever known how to nurture my marriage…
My eyes wouldn’t witnessed a man willing to grow as a husband and father…
Or see a man who works hard in order to provide for his family…
I wouldn’t have ever known the definition of a father…
And understand his deep love for his children…
Or desire to protect them in every way possible…
So the emptiness is necessary and the pain is a reflection of our union and connection developing but cut off by the inevitable…
Although to some degree I feel like you are right beside me talking me along the way, my heart yearns to touch you, hear your voice again…
I wish our love story was written in such a way that we were able to grow so old together our canes laid side by side…
Together we’d watch each girl reach their milestone and celebrate their accomplishments…
I wonder can you see them or are you in such awe as you sit at the feet of our Savior…
Our legacy of love forever remain…
I am grateful to be called your wife…
To shared our love and see the reflection of it through our 3 jewels…
Wish we would have celebrated our last time the way we celebrated our first…
Our last time we danced as the first Mr. and Mrs…
Our last time we walked hand in hand as husband and wife…
Our last time we sat at our special park where you first asked me to married you…
Meeting you was a gift…
A pathway into God’s plan for both our lives…

Mother’s Birthday….

She quietly sniffled in solitude…
No tears… Just mist…
The corner of her eyes are beginning to get wet…
Her lips begin to quiver…
Today her mother’s birthday…
Eternal and temporal locations separate the two individuals from this celebration…
Realization of her mother’s absence comes to a reality, and now she’s sobbing…
She misses her…
She closed her eyes and tries to visualize her  mother’s face, hands, smile, her voice…
That’s all she has for now…
Sweet, loving memories of her mom…
She hears, ‘There will be a day when the grief-stricken won’t cry but rejoice.’
Her hope… His Word.

Letter to my precious daughter

August 30, 1998… Our lives changed and an angel was given…

The hardest thing so far I’ve ever had to do for you is drive away and watch you become smaller and smaller as distance grew between us…

Knowing I can’t see your face every day is most difficult…

But the world is ready for its next leader…

Embrace the opportunity…

Confident and leadership has already defined you…

Never let anyone tell you differently…

The world is ready for its next leader…

Embrace the opportunity…

As God instructed Joshua when leading to the Israelites to the Promised me…

I commission you, “Be strong and courageous. “ (Joshua 1:6-9)

Success awaits…

Time for you to soar…

Robbed….

Being a widow/widower helps you to see who you really are..

You were known as his wife or her husband for so long…

Now robbed of that identity…

Your weaknesses are now uncovered and exposed, unprotected and stripped…

Trying to figure out the how’s of what he/she use to do….

It’s a journey that seems to be hard to overcome…

How do I unite myself with this new identity?

I don’t want to sleep alone…

I don’t want to raise my children alone…

I don’t want to dine alone…

I don’t…..

How do you start over when for x amount of years your life involved this other person?

How is that done?