Yesterday’s Pain

The day that was planned early in the morning changed so quickly,

Instead of it being a day of preparation it was a day of confrontation as flashback harassed me with memories triggered by locations,

Had to work on a school project with my daughter which entailed us going around the city to take pictures of known landmarks in Dayton, Ohio,

The simplest location brought about unwanted memories of when my husband began to get sick,

The rawness of feelings I thought was gone, surfaced so quickly, I had to keep emotional steady and stay clear of falling back into the pit of darkness that stood with an open invitation for me to sit and dine in,

Flashbacks inched its way to my consciousness creating an emotional awareness of what was going on within me,

Feelings of guilt, shame, and helplessness tormented me as I thought of my response to my husband’s drastic change that I was nowhere near prepared to handle,

As I reverted back to those days, I could see the uncertainty in my kid’s eyes, as they looked to me in making sense of a situation that made no sense,

How I could I possibly explain?

Yesterday took me back to a place I don’t want to own,

Made me hurt for my kid’s,

For their journey, I desperately wanted to replace,

Their norm of two parent home now gone,

Vulnerable and beyond afraid,

I never felt so helpless and alone,

Those moments so surreal,

I was standing outside of myself watching a nightmare sped out of control that I couldn’t contain,

Anger rested in my heart as I tried to be part of the process taking place,

Responded in ways I’m not so proud of but utterly ashamed that I beat myself with condemnation and guilt in order to pay for the deed I thought I deserved,

As if I’m the Christ, the Propitiator of my sins

Forgetting His promise in His Word, like His grace was sufficient for me, that there was no condemnation toward me who is in Christ Jesus, my sins are remembered no more,

So, what does that mean?

Yesterday is what makes me/us who I/we are today,

The memories of my/our storms are a strengthening tool to who God is preparing us to be,

If you lost someone you deeply love, you may be in a dark place or at times having difficult moments,

Grief is a representation of our love for those now gone…  

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